There is a kind of beauty in imperfection. ~Conrad Hall
What does perfection even mean? Is it something that really exists? Let’s take a look at the official definition.
The dictionary definition of perfection is:
“the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.”
Or
“The action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible.”
“Perfectionism isn’t the same as doing your best. “
Striving to do your best is about growth and healthy achievement, whereas perfectionism is more like a shield we think will protect us from getting hurt or being made fun of.
We live in a society that stresses unattainable expectations in every aspect of our lives (looking at you, Instagram!), from how much we should weigh to how we should be raising our kids.
The feeling that you or your circumstances are unacceptable as they are leaves you with the sense that you must always do more so you can be accepted, loved, and to belong.
Thinking you need to be perfect leaves you frozen, because you never really reach perfection.
Imperfection then, is accepting yourself and the situation as it is. It means making mistakes, not always being perfectly dressed, or having a few extra pounds. It means liking who you are, while striving to do your best.
So how do you learn to embrace imperfection and recognize you are enough the way you are?
We’ve got to figure out why we’re afraid to let our true selves be seen and why we’re afraid of what other people think.
After studying the subject for a while, here’s what I’ve learned:
- Acceptance, love, and approval.
- We have a deep sense of wanting to belong and to be loved. As humans, we’re biologically, physically and spiritually wired to love and be loved and to belong to the “group”. When we don’t fulfill those needs, we fall apart, get sick or hurt others.
- We have a hard time believing we are worthy the way we are right this minute. We have a long list of prerequisites to being worthy such as I’ll be worthy:
- when I lose 20 pounds
- if I get/stay sober
- if everyone thinks I’m a good parent
- if I can hold my marriage together
- when I make partner
- when my parents finally approve (even if they’re dead).
- I can do it all and look like I’m not even trying
and so on.
I lived my whole life in search of love and acceptance. Pleasing others. We often feel we need to be perfect to please other people. If we lose the weight, then it will please our partner. If you make good grades, it will please your parents.
- Ever since I was little, I had a need to please other people. I had to be “good” to please my parents so they would love me. I craved others’ approval. If I didn’t get it, my self-esteem plummeted. It got to the point that I did things that weren’t in alignment with who I really was.
These basic emotional needs are a part of every human. These needs may not have been met in childhood. I learned that love was conditional on how you performed or what you did for others.
A personal anecdote here:
I come from a long line of table-pounders; banging on a table always seemed to be the way to make a point. One of my relatives was roaring at me “What do you want from me?” I said, quite sincerely, all I wanted was unconditional love. He actually replied, “I will give you unconditional love when you change!” Thank you Captain Irony.
Striving to always be perfect to earn another person’s love or approval, indeed trying to be perfect or always do something in a perfect way for whatever reason, is impossible.
It can lead to both anxiety and depression or even paralysis from the fear of not being perfect.
The trick is to learn to let go of it and to live a mostly happy life accepting yourself as you are.
In my next post, I’ll give you some good reasons why you should let it go.
Til we meet again,
Wayne
It’s the imperfections in life that make us interesting. I love imperfection. I’ve always been a “You won’t notice that from the Highway” kind of guy and it works well for me.